Who really pulls the sleigh?
Maverick Valeri, interspecies activist, psychoanalyst, and a spokesbeing for the
working class and other downtrodden populations was recently fined for submitting false reports of a stolen vehicle.
Maverick first signalled the authorities to report the alleged theft of his '76 Subaru by screwing the top off of a decrepit hydrant and creating a large plume
of water that brought the FDNY and the NYPD running. Valeri was also cited
for destroying FDNY equipment but this only brought on a long howl and much complicated dirt scratching which was later translated as meaning "When would you a-hole felines have shown up if I had been growling in
my native language over the phone?" (Since the MTA transit strike Maverick
has refused to speak in any language requiring vocal chords until the trains allowdogs to ride to the park for free.) Through canine signals and body language Maverick communicated that he had been slowly corroding the hydrant with his urine for months specifically to ensure that he would have a way to contact emergency services should he or his research
partner be in mortal peril. Authorities familiar with Maverick's past hot headedness wanted to end the situation as quickly and quietly as possible, until they realized that papers proving Maverick's ownership were not to be
found.
"I just don't see too many dogs driving cars, ya know? He's a
progressive animal, but he doesn't have thumbs, ya know, so I had to ask." stated Sgt Hernandez.
After further questioning that had to be finished outdoors so that the
scratching and urinating could be understood clearly by translators it was found that Maverick had claimed the car as his own by defecating beside it on the sidewalk. Canine law has traditionally stated that defecation is clear mark of
property, yet this clashes with the traditional human custom that requires a title or deed to prove ownership.
MAverick also lacked knowledge of a license plate number and did not have a drivers license, yet he did not attempt to hide his intention of using the car to drive to manhattan to go to the park. (Canine advocates did agree that Maverick;s scent remained near the space where the vehicle was last seen, but as his research partner continues to remove his feces from the sidewalk, it could not be proven to the human
authorities,and they did not appear to be sensitive to the custom.) Maverick became belligerent and when refused a ride to the park in the police cruiser he peed on the cruiser and attempted to enter and was taken intocustody. The ACLU has been contacted and is reviewing the case.
While behind bars Maverick met with Hal the Coyote who had just been
captured in central park. Higher level authorities have been questioned as to how two members of SOFT (Secret Order of Four Toes) were allowed to remain in teh same cell together with ample opportunity to plan and share knowledge of details of
infrastructure in NYC. Sgt Koenig claimed that they were both put in the
same cell for disturbing the peace, as one was caught peeing on NYPD property and one was streaking in the park, but the FBI suspects that the simultaneous arrests were not coincidence and that the coyote was clearly on a fact finding mission. They
believe the two hoped to be jailed in order to signal other canines to unite.
The two animals were found with gnawed spoons tied to their forepaws.
The FBI believes it was an attempt to create mechanical thumbs. It is unclear how they were able to tie the string as they did not
have the thumbs on at first and they function clumsily at best. Both of them continue to deny the existence of SOFT, but the FBI claims to have evidence that the two have met previously and they say that Hal is not the coyote's real name.
Related news
Interspecies advocates debate the ethical use of prosthetics at
regional
conference: Identity vs Identification
Guide to Interspecies language and universal signals on Good Morning America
Monday morning at 9
How will property laws change in the 21st century?
Dogs in psychotherapy: Getting in touch with your inner animal.
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